June 12, 2012

Morning: Wake up @ 5:30, watered the plants, did anything for my mom. EXCITED
Getting Ready: I'm shaking, crying at the same time wondering how it would feel to finally see my baby in me.
Regret: 1)I text him last night, hoping he would text me today saying that he's down to come. 2) thinking he would actually come

I arrived at the appointment at approximately 10am. Did all new paper work, then got called in at 10:10.. ah!!! I was so anxious! The ultrasound tech was asking me questions on how long I am, and that I might be a little early for an ultrasound.. but here we go!

Laid down, dropped my pants just below my waist, and here comes the "cold" gel that the movies show.. (ps. it's not even cold lol) I wouldn't expect my baby to be so big!!!! He/She was jumping everywhere! I got to see his/hers little fingers, little foot, head, nose, heartbeat, everything... It was everything and more than I ever expected.. I never felt so proud of myself for being so strong by myself.

For all the single mothers out there, I understand that it's really hard and it feels like you can't go on but, I promise you it'll get better. All those nights, crying yourself to sleep, will pay off when you see your baby boy or baby girl. I know I'm sad at times but, I think about how beautiful my baby will be to me no matter what. I will love him/her with everything that I have and am.

Thank you God for everything that I have, and everything that I don't have. I trust that you will be by my side, be with me through everything. I have faith that with this suffering, You will bring me joy and love. And in the end there will be nothing else on my face than a smile.

Sometimes I just wish I could just give you a little hug, just to know how it feels to be at peace. To have nothing to worry about, to have that true satisfaction of just calmness. I'm still waiting for that day, because once I hug you, I will never let go.

God, words cannot explain how hurt I am.. How bad I don't want to open up to any one any more because of how hurt I am.

Please Daddy, please give me the strength to put away my stress, my anger toward people, to my family that I love, please give me patience to just think about what I'm going to say, rather than to say it immediately. With Phlynn, God I pray that you keep him safe, I hope and pray that he's happy with someone else. I'm no longer on his team and just let him that no matter what I'll always be there for him and I'll always love him. Please take care of him God,... Please.